Behold: My Synchronized Twin Spandaus!

Should I Host a Caption Contest?

Years ago, there was a newish biopic allegedly based on the wartime exploits of Manfred Von Richtofen, AKA: the Red Baron. I reviewed it on the Virtual Pulp blog, and needed some images to accompany it.

One of the images I found was this one:

Look at that left hand. Can you imagine any circumstances in which a fighter pilot, during combat, would make such a gesture?

I’ll get back to that. First, let’s establish for the record that this artist is not portraying Richtofen as the gallant, chivalrous nemesis. He’s Jack the Ripper with machineguns.

Exhibit A: the Rictus.

As his twin Spandaus spit rapid-fire 8mm death, the dastardly Red Baron sports the gleeful grin of a homicidal sociopath. He’s enjoying the ventilation of enemy pilots more than P. Diddy blocking farts in a Turkish Bath.

Exhibit B: the Gore.

Notice both the bloodstain on his scarf, and the blood splattering around his head as if he’s in a slaughterhouse hacking a pig to death with a machete. There is no logical explanation of where that blood came from, or how it got there, floating around his head in the wind. It’s there because he’s bloodthirsty, get it? He’s the “Bloody Red Baron,” as the Royal Guardsmen informed us in their historically accurate Top 40 hit from 1967!

Now let’s look at the left hand again. Here is the dead giveaway that the artist is either a Marvel Comics (or at least Marvel-inspired) artist. I’ve read enough Silver and Bronze Age Marvel comics to instantly recognize the gesture. It’s like comic book sign language—the letterer doesn’t even need to put the word in the panel, because I know exactly what it means:

“Behold!”

Stan Lee was the right guy at the right time to reach his human potential as a comic book mogul. He has legions of admirers who laud his “Marvel Method” as genius; for adeptly delegating creative duties to a potent mixture of talent; for nudging “funny books” toward a more serious art form with all-ages content; etc. What I’ve not heard anybody discuss is his not-so-laudible dialog.

Stan Lee (and those who wrote according to his template) came up with some of the campiest, most grandiose dialog anybody ever got away with. And it hasn’t aged well.

Usually, the most cringe-worthy lines were put in the mouths of villains, but heroes like Thor, Hercules and the Silver Surfer used the same thesaurus.

Some typical lines:

“Bah! Hapless mortals/simpletons/do-gooders/churls!”

“It is I, Doctor Doom/Magneto/the mighty Galactus/the Red Skull!”

If you know, you know.

And, after some epic mustache-twirling, the villain would reveal their secret weapon/diabolical plan/new iPhone.

“Behold: my Impressive Plot Device!”

“Behold: I can now control Iron Man’s armor remotely!”

“Behold: the secret to Captain America’s defeat!”

“Behold: my Cyclops doppelganger!”

Marvel did have plenty of blue-collar villains. They all spoke in a kind of Brooklyn or Lower East Side (just guessing—I’m not a Nuyockah but I know enough to be dangerous) hood rat brogue.

But the mad scientist, mastermind, and cosmic tyrant villains all were stuck in that grandiose dialect. And they pretty much always had a diabolical plan, which they would rub in the hero’s (and reader’s) face, preceded by the exclamation, “Behold!”

Depending on location and position, during the “Behold!” moment, they might gesture. In case you’ve never been into comics, or never delved into the ones produced before your time, I’ve presented you, above, just such a “Behold!” gesture.

Who knew von Richtofen was a scheming criminal mastermind? A proto-Red Skull? Well, now you do, thanks to this image I’ve shared.