Available for Commissions

Boogeyman For Hire

Are you sick and tired of all the hate? Fed up with the microagressions? Losing patience with uneducated churls who refuse to conform their opinions to your obviously superior worldview? Frustrated that right-wingers are sometimes judged by what they actually say and do, rather than the ugly fascism that you just know is hiding under the surface? Exasperated that all the Nazis, Klansmen and Bible-thumping rapists you just know are hiding around every corner never seem to show themselves in significant numbers to the unwashed masses?

This looks like a job for Boogeyman!

I’m a master of tried and proven techniques that identify and highlight the secret darkness inside the deplorable heretics who misinform others about your narratives and hinder your agendas. I have the power to absolutely destroy the reputation of groups, organizations, movements, and even ideologies which oppose progress. My record speaks for itself. I have even convinced others that blacks and Asians are actually white supremacists! Ask to see my demo reel and you’ll see trusted media professionals making these accusations with solemn expressions and sober, ominous intonation.

Check out my affordable packages and choose the one that’s right for your needs!

Basic Fascist Package: I start anywhere from 50-200 accounts on alternative social media, forums, and comment threads—anywhere that right-wingers are known to gather online. Throughout an eight-hour work shift, I relentlessly blame every problem in existence on a Jewish conspiracy. I will feed the N-word and other racial slurs into discussion threads whenever relevant and plausible. You’ll be amazed at my tenacity. No wrongthinker will be safe from my thread hijacking. I stop at nothing—even accusing lily-white fellow travelers like the Clintons and Bidens of secret Jewish heritage. Visitors to any such site or platform will be utterly convinced that these spaces are teeming with hateful Nazis. They will understand that everyone who disagrees with you is literally Hitler, and reject any ridiculous conspiracy theories proliferating on such sites.

Hate Rate is $50-200 per hour, depending on the number of active accounts I maintain.

Advanced Domestic Terrorist Package: I identify closet fascists and other reactionaries online and post like-minded messages with hateful dog whistles like “Constitution,” “borders” and “only two genders.” I make friend requests and develop relationships with the hate criminals until I am a trusted confidant. Through subtle and expert guidance, I lead the haters into statements of agreement with my suggestions of premeditated violence against the government, other organizations, individuals, or Most Favored Demographics. Local, State, and Federal Law Enforcement will have access to meticulously preserved and analyzed evidence of their intent to commit acts of domestic terror. And with a carefully pre-selected jury pool, convictions and prison sentences are 83% likely.

Hate Rate is $350 per hour.

LARPing White Nationalist Package: We all understand there’s a critical manpower shortage. The IRS only has 87,000 heavily armed agents with tactical military gear and training to kick in doors at 3am and suppress hateful fascists who believe they actually earned their paycheck and that their wages belong to themselves. The FBI is spread dangerously thin—unable to arrest everyone with an incorrect opinion or an irreverent meme while so many agents are urgently needed to investigate garage door nooses and kneel during BLM riots. To fill in the gap, I have a dedicated team trained and available with ready-made props like MAGA hats and Confederate flags, to infiltrate hate group marches, rallies and protests and ensure news cameras are able to convey the dangerous militant hatred of the insurrectionists present, turning such low-energy hate-fests violent when necessary. When no haters are present, but the public still needs to understand how dangerous they are, my professional role-playing team is ready to handle everything for you—from petty vandalism to pipe bomb planting. Before we’re done, our socially conscious comrades everywhere will understand the dire threat posed by these potential domestic insurgents.

Hate Rate is $1,369 per day per role-player.

Worried about costs? No problem! A multitude of funding is readily available to appropriate from the unwashed taxpayers. Call 1-800 GOV-CHEZ or file your grant request online at www.framethehate.gov/agent.provocateur/doubledip.